Healing with Humor IV

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

<>Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. I'm a doctor. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO: Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round!' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Pepsi in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She is going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
"Polish Remover"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you
should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

    This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back and says to the owner, "That dog is amazing. Why are you selling him.?
    The owner replies, "He never did any of those things, that dog is a liar."

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON.. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING AND AT TIMES SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE...

"WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT...
TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT..
LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT..."

AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN,

"TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT...
WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT..."

AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID, "SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT."

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAY, "MISS,
MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN.

I'M ALBERT."

                                                                                          The B.C.
    A newly married couple was looking for a house in the country. After finding one they thought was suitable they made their way home, and upon reaching there the wife happened to think that they hadn’t noticed a bathroom commode and they decided to write the owner about it. Being very modest and shy, she hesitated to spell the words b-a-t-h-r-o-o-m— c-o-m-m-o-d-e out so in her letter she referred to it as B.C.   The owner not understanding what she meant, pondered for a while and decided she meant Baptist Church and he answered as follows:

Dear Madam:
    I regret very much the delay in answering your letter and now take pleasure in informing you that the B.C. is located about nine miles from the house and is capable of seating 250 persons. This is very unfortunate indeed, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be interested in knowing a great number of people take their lunch with them and make a day of it, while others go by auto, usually arriving just in time, but generally in too big a hurry to wait if the house is crowded.
    The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and had to stand up all the time. It may interest you to know that plans are being made to have a supper to raise funds for added seating in the B.C. as this is a long felt need.
    I might mention that it pains me very much not to be able to go more frequently. It surely is through no lack or desire but as we get older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.
    May I hope to see there as I would like to see more of you.

            Very truly yours,

                Landlord.

                                                                                        The Ordination
    Down in Arkansas there was a young man who wanted to be ordained to the ministry. The council was convened and they began to ask him questions.
    “Can you read?”   No, sir, I can’t read.
    Can you write?    No, but my wife is a powerful writer.
    Do you know the Bible. Oh, yes, I know the Bible from cover to cover.
    Which book of the Bible do you like best?   I like the book of the New Testament the best.
    But which book in the New Testament do you like the best?   I like the book of the parables the best.   Well, which of the parables do you like the best?   I like the parable of the good Samaritan the best.    Ok, there are just ministers here, suppose you give us an interpretation of the parable of the Good Samaritan.

    So, he began, “there was a man who went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves. And the thorns grew up and choked him. He was without money and he was without price. But the Queen of Sheba came along and gave him a hundred changes of raiment and a thousand talents of silver. He got into her chariot and rode furiously and as he rode he went under a large tree. And his hair caught into the limbs of that tree and he was suspended between the ground and the earth. And the ravens came and fed him, and brought him water to drink. And in that night his wife Deliah came along and cut off his hair, and he fell in stony places. But he went into a nearby cave and hid all night. The next morning he came out of that cave and as he was walking along he met a man who said, “let us kill the fatted calf and have a great feast.” But he said, “I’m sorry, I married a wife and I cannot come.” And then he said, the man told him to go out into the highways and hedges and compel them to come in. And he started out into the highways and hedges and looked up and saw Jezebel looking out of a window, high and lifted up.
And he said to them, “Throw her down, and they threw her down. And he said, “throw her down seven times” and they threw her down seven times. And he said throw her down seventy times seven, and they threw her down seventy times seven. And then after it was all over, they picked twelve baskets of remains. Now I ask you in the judgement, whose wife shall she be?”

I rear ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out
of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So, I look down at him and ask, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . and that's how the fight started.

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he
was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to
tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning". Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3